NBC Studios/Burbank, California

The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson.

Coming back from a commercial, Johnny, at his desk, taps his pencil to the musical beat.

Music PLAYS OUT.

CARSON: Welcome back. My first guess was recently voted the most famous waiter in the world. He’s waited on pretty much everyone on the planet, from Napoleon to Madonna, from Jackie O to Malcolm X, from Pope Paul to Idi Amin. Please welcome, Ted the Waiter.

APPLAUSE

The Tonight Show Band plays, “Wait ‘till the Sun Shines, Nellie,” as Ted, wearing all black and a long white bistro apron festooned with sequins, strolls on. He greets Johnny with a hetero-hug, waves to the audience, takes a seat.

CARSON: Good to see you, Ted the Waiter.

TED: Nice to be seen, Johnny.

CARSON: There’s something I can’t quite get my head around. Is it true you once waited on Death?

TED: Yeah. Funny story. He was on a blind date with Emily Dickinson. She kept saying crap like, “I’m going to die. I’m going to die.” So Death says, “I know. Try the shrimp.”

CARSON CACKLES

CARSON: That’s a funny story.

TED: I know…and it’s so darn true–

CARSON: Speaking of blazing lies, you told my staff you once waited on Hitler? Was this in Germany?

TED: No. Vienna. A beer garden off Friedrichstrasse street. He was a starving artist back then. Ordered a bowl of schnitzel and a cup of decafe every afternoon.

CARSON: Decafe?

TED: My idea. In fact I insisted on it. He was a nervous little fellow.

CARSON: Was he a regular?

TED: For about a year. Then one day I’m telling him a joke that had been going around Waiter Town, you know, the one about the Catholic Nun and the Polish Zookeeper? I get to the punchline, where the Zookeeper tricks the Nun into holding his peacock, and instead of screaming with laughter, like most of my other customers, Adolf gets this funny look in his eyes, tosses his napkin, says he won’t be in for a few days, and runs out without paying his bill. Next day he invades Poland. Was it my joke that put the idea in his head? Did I inadvertently start WWII? Who knows? All I know is the little shite owes me thirty thousand Reichsmarks.

AUDIENCE BOOS

CARSON: Thirty-thousand Reichsmarks? That’s about…

TED: Twenty-eight cents.

ED: I’ll cover that.

Laughing uproariously, Ed McMahon digs into his pocket and hands Ted a bunch of coins.

CARSON LOSES IT

CARSON: So…so…so…where’s the scariest place you’ve ever worked?

TED: Oh, that’s easy. Noah’s Ark.

CARSON: Noah’s Ark? That must have been something.

TED: It was. I brought a clip.

CARSON: Great. Run that clip, will you, Freddie?

CUT TO:

WAITER NIGHTMARE #4

I’m working the first-class dining room on Noah’s Ark. Outside on deck it’s raining spikes. The sea ripples and roils.

Inside, the dining room undulates wet fur and scales.

Noah bursts in, his usual grand entrance: Arms spread, Mouth agape, Teeth rancid.

“Oh, good,” he says, “we’re busy.”

“I’m seasick,” I say.

“Get a grip. Our guests are restless.”

“They’re animals.”

“Hungry animals. Get to work.”

“I don’t know where to begin.”

“Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. I’ll take all tables abaft, avast, and astern. You take everything alee, ahoy, and ahull.”

“A lee a who and a what?”

“Confound it, you twit! You should know this by now.”

Mr. and Mrs. Elephant lumber to my side.

“We’ve been waiting for our food for over a month,” says Elephant.

“Remind me. What did you order?”

“Seventeen bushels of apples and an Acacia stump.”

“I’ll get the apples to you as soon as I can, but the stump will take a couple of years.”

Elephant blows a trumpet in my ear. He and Mrs. Elephant stampede back to their table.

Leo the Lion and his Lioness slink to my other side.

“We, too, have been waiting for our food,” says Leo, his whiskers twitching a Morse code of ferocious mauling.

“What did you order?” I ask.

“I forgot. What did we order, honey?”

Lioness extends her paw and casually inspects her claws.

“We ordered a couple of waiters…and a side of rice.”

Noah hears this and abandons ship.

Mr. and Mrs. Lion sniff my shanks and open their maws. I see my death reflected on their shiny saliva-dripping fangs. Leo pokes my belly.

“We’ll be needing extra napkins.”

Just then, Diana the Dove circles the dining room.

“Land ho!” she screeches, “I think it might be New Jersey.”

But no one listens, so she flies out the porthole to the safety of Perth Amboy.

Leo shows me his fangs.

“Ready?” he says.

CLIP ENDS

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

CARSON: So the Lion really is the king of the jungle. Speaking of which…have you ever waited on royalty? I mean human royalty?

TED: Sure. Queen Elizabeth and the Duke-Duke-Duke-Duke of Earl came in one afternoon for tea.

AUDIENCE OOHS

CARSON: Good tippers?

TED: Absolutely not. The bill was nine-thousand pounds. Didn’t leave a farthing. When I complained, I was told the Queen never carries cash.

CARSON: What did they have that cost nine-thousand poundss?

TED: Thirty-two pounds of caviar. And a bagel.

CARSON: And not one shilling?

TED: No. But, she did knight me. You may refer to me as “Sir Ted” from now on.

CARSON: Sir Ted the Waiter.

TED: C’est moi!

CARSON: Allez! Allez! Allez!

TED: I’m sorry, what was that, Johnny?

FRANÇOIS: Johnny? Who is this Johnny, you twit? You Americans and your daydreaming!! Unplug your head from your ass. I just sat you a table.

TED: Oui, François, oui.

CARSON: We’ll be right back.