TED the WAITER

FIRST THINGS FIRST

Greetings, folks. My name is Ted, and I will be taking care of you tonight. Here are your menus. Your cocktails have been ordered. I’ll drop them off in a few moments, and when you’re ready, we’ll discuss the specials. In the meantime, have a look at some of my stories. I call them “re-enactments” of my life on the floor. During my 35 years in the restaurant business, I’ve waited on tens of thousands of people, worked alongside hundreds of fellow-waiters, bussers, bartenders, and managers; and I’ve been bullied, tormented and ultimately loved by dozens of chefs, sous-chefs, salad girls, pastry boys, and the unsung heroes of the restaurant world, dishwashers. These are our stories…well some of them.

Take note that I’ve changed many a name. Time has been compressed. Incidents have been re-ordered. But every story is absolutely true and really happened. If you like what you read, and want to read more, SUBSCRIBE!!!

Thanks for coming along for the ride. And away we go….

PREAMBLE

I don’t give much thought to what it takes to be a waiter. I just doit. And I’m good at it. Along the way, I’ve picked up two essentials: Make nice with the chef and always have a glass of red wine at hand. Making nice with my chefs helps me deal with those not uncommon problems that occur in most restaurants. The red wine helps me deal with difficult customers.

Difficult customers are an inescapable element of the restaurant world. They can be demanding and entitled and annoying and giant pains-in-the-ass, but mostly they’re just hungry. Once fed, their blood-sugar levels normalize, and we get along just fine.

But it isn’t always about blood-sugar levels. Some customers act out not because they’re hungry for food, but because they’re hungry for attention, for recognition, for love. There’s a lot of pain out there. My job is to alleviate that pain to the best of my abilities.

My most piquant and lasting ability is born from a deep, subterranean insecurity: I need my customers to like me…even if I despise them.

And now….the stories.

  • SERVICE

    “Remain hopeful and keep your pecker up.” John Cheever (Part I) “Avant le déluge” (5:01 pm – 7:59 pm) NBC Studios/Burbank, California The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson. Coming back from a commercial, Johnny, at his desk, taps his pencil to the musical beat. Music FADES OUT. CARSON: Welcome back. My first guess was recently…

  • ALONE ALWAYS ALONE

    HOWARD JOHNSON’S Late 1970s. Dusk No customers…yet I’m behind the counter Wiping it For like the fiftieth time Wiping Waiting Wiping Waiting I and my nerves have been here for three days At my first ever restaurant job Tonight…not so bad I’m not shaking I’m waiting and wiping Tonight I am not a mess Okay…

  • ROLL CALL

    ROLL CALL Metropolitan Café (1st Ave & 53rd Street) Sometime in the 1990s Thanksgiving Day Those with seniority get to choose which holidays they work. Those with no seniority do what they are told. I’m working Thanksgiving. It’s not my favorite holiday, so I’m not that aggrieved. I‘ll be working the Back Room. A private…

  • MY BROTHER’S REAPER

    MY BROTHER’S REAPER I The Last Stand Cafe 4:30pm It’s 1986 and I’m being interviewed by Sheri Feldspar in her new restaurant on Restaurant Row. Sheri once owned and ran a lively cafe on the Upper West Side, called Café Celebré. Wall-to-wall celebrities, you couldn’t swing a dead cat without hitting an Oscar nominee. The…

  • Waiter Nightmares

    WAITER NIGHTMARE [*way-tęr nĭte-mar*] Noun. Here are three out of the thousands I’ve had: NIGHTMARE #15 Time and Order shift and I’m in a restaurant. I don’t recognize the place. But I know it like the back of my head. The Maître ‘d — no greeting — shoves a plate of food in my face…

  • Briss For The Mill

    Briss for the Mill the early 80’s Albert the hairdresser with the closet full of whips I dated last summer calls and invites me to an Oscar party. He’s been dying to get me back on his rack and has called countless times inviting me to “gatherings” at his apartment. I suspect a trap, and…

  • DAVE LASAGNA, POET

    A few months ago, a dear friend died. His name was Eric Friedland (pictured above with his wife, Alyson Denny). Eric was a brilliant, bright light, a super-nova, a kind soul, and will be greatly missed. A while back, Eric and Alyson had read something I wrote online. Shortly thereafter they had me up to…

  • TWO CHEZ SHORTS

    I “…the Sweeter the Juice“ 1982 – 8:45pm OJ Simpson is in, dining with someone who might be his agent. Mr. Simpson dazzles in a slate gray Armani suit and expensive imitation alligator shoes. He is at once theatrically friendly and a presence not to be meddled with. Francois, not a football fan, but a…

  • DAN & MONA

    DAN & MONA Perrettis – 1987 I Dan Carroll, tall, stooped, failing, sports a slightly frayed white button-down shirt and a crazy silk tie under a tawny brown suit that’s been dry-cleaned so often it shines. Perched atop his substantial pile of black and silver hair sits a tatty fedora, on the brim a large…

  • JACK’S

    Dateline: 1984. New American cuisine spreads throughout NYC like mold on cheese. Chefs and Owners walk away from stodgy old-world ways of running a restaurant and re-imagine dining-out as an art form. Food is elevated from something we eat to something we worship. Free-range chickens are given yoga lessons. Pigs are sung lullabies before the…