Are your tables set?

Yes.

Clean?

They are so clean, you could eat off them.

No one likes a funny waiter. Are your tables clean and set?

Absolutely.

Presentation plates?

Wiped, dried, and spotless.

Fingerprints on water glasses?

None that are mine.

Excuse me?

No fingerprints–

Salt & peppers refilled and wiped down–

Yes.

–and in their proper places?

Their proper–?

Are they where they should be?

I’m sorry…yes. They’re side-by-side, adjacent to the sugar caddies, facing east.

They should be facing west!

I could never tell my east from my–

Fix it!

Consider it fixed!

Did you wipe down and refill the sugar caddies?

Yes.

All of them?

Yes.

Did you wipe down and refill the oil and vinegar cruets?

Yes.

All of them?

Yes.

Did you wipe down and refill the pepper grinders?

Yes.

All of them?

There’s only one.

I’m not asking for an inventory. I asked if you wiped–?

Yes, I wiped.

Did you wipe down and refill all cheese shakers?

Most of them.

Here we go again. Most of them?

There are a few still in the dishwasher–

They are of no good use in the dishwasher.

Damn dishwasher!

Retrieve, dry, and fill them.

Okay, okay, and okay.

Did you cut lemons for fish?

Yes.

Lemons for Iced tea?

Yes

Slices not wedges?

Of course.

Have you prepared two pitchers of Iced Tea?

Wait, let me think. I’m not sure–

Have you prepared two pitchers of Iced Tea??

Most definitely.

Have you wiped down the tray jacks with Windex?

Yes.

All of them?

All the ones I could find, yes.

Where are the tray jacks you can’t find?

If I knew where they were, I’d–

Find them!

Okay!

Have you folded at least one package of napkins?

No. I folded two packages.

You only needed to fold one.

I’m sorry, I’ll never do that again.

Did you prepare 36 ramekins each of sour cream?

Yes.

36 ramekins each of ketchup?

Yes.

36 ramekins each of horseradish, cocktail, and tartar sauces?

Yes, yes, and yes.

Did you stock the salad bar with lettuce, spinach, mushrooms, red peppers and antipasto meats?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, and–what was that last one?

Antipasto meats!

We serve antipasto?

You should know this!

I do and the meat is there…nice and stocked.

Did you stock the salad bar with salad bowls?

Hundreds of them.

Did you stock desserts?

Yes, well, all except the Surprise Carrot Cake–

Why do you call it a Surprise Carrot Cake?

Because it’s made with zucchini–

You’ve been warned about ‘funny’–

Sorry. I’m just a little–

Bananas?

Bananas?

We need bananas. Chef’s doing a split tonight–

I’ll get a banana–

Get a bunch. Dessert plates?

Stocked.

Ice cream?

Frozen.

Back-up ice cream?

Really frozen.

Did you stock the coffee station with regular and decaf coffee in filters?

Sure.

Coffee cups?

What else would we serve coffee in?

Under-liners?

We can’t serve coffee in under-liners.

Did you stock under-liners?

Yes.

Is all flatware sorted and dried and stored in their designated homes?

Flatware? What the heck is…oh, silverware. Yes, all sorted. All home.

Did you restock water glasses and butter plates?

Yes.

Did you make sure they were clean, and if they weren’t did you return them to the dish washer?

Um…yes.

What do you mean…”um?”

Most were clean. Some were not–

Did you bring them to the dishwasher?

God, I hope so.

Did you vacuum the dining rooms?

That’s on the list?

Yes.

Then I vacuumed the dining rooms.

Under the tables?

Sure.

Did you dust the window shelves?

Why not?

Did you clean the bathrooms?

Let me stop you there. Cleaning bathrooms? Absolutely not. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing but the utmost respect for you. When I was in need of a job, you hired me. And here we are. But…I erect an insurmountable wall between myself and my customer’s excrement.

[Pause]

Did you clean the bathrooms?

Yes.

Toilet paper?

Check.

Hand soap?

Check.

Poop stains under the seat?

Gone. For now.

Are you clean and presentable?

Am I–?

–clean and presentable?

I just did three hours of side work. I am not clean and presentable.

Do you want to take care of that?

I’ll be right back.

Where are you going?

To find a quiet corner to make myself ‘clean and presentable.’

You can’t.

Why not?

I just sat you a table.