Are your tables set?

Yes.

Clean?

They are so clean, you could eat off them–

No one likes a funny waiter. Are your tables clean and set?

Absolutely.

Presentation plates?

Wiped, dried, and spotless.

Fingerprints on water glasses?

None that are mine.

Excuse me?

No fingerprints–

Did you empty and wash all votive candle holders?

Yes, the ones with the little red tiles were encrusted with wax, so I–

Did you clean them???

Yes.

Did you replace the candles?

Yes.

Flower vases have fresh water?

Yes.

Dead flowers in trash?

Yes, poor little dears–

Salt & peppers refilled and wiped down?

Yes.

Are they in their proper places?

Their proper–?

On the table! Are they where they should be?

I’m sorry…yes. They’re side-by-side, adjacent to the sugar caddies, facing east.

They should be facing west!

I could never tell my east from my–

Did you wipe down and refill the sugar caddies?

Yes.

All of them?

Yes.

Did you wipe down and refill the oil and vinegar cruets?

Yes.

All of them?

Yes.

Did you wipe down and refill the pepper grinders?

Yes.

All of them?

There’s only one.

I’m not asking for an inventory. I asked if you wiped–?

Yes, I did! I wiped.

Did you wipe down and refill all cheese shakers?

Most of them.

Here we go again. Most of them?

There are a few still in the dishwasher–

They are of no good use in the dishwasher.

Damn dishwasher!

Have you folded at least one package of napkins?

Yes. No, wait. I folded two packages.

Did you cut butter for the kitchen?

Yes.

Lemons for fish?

Yes.

Lemons for Iced tea?

Yes

Slices not wedges?

Of course.

Have you prepared two pitchers of Iced Tea?

Yes. No. Wait. Yes. I did. I think. Not sure–

Have you prepared two pitchers of Iced Tea?

Absolutely.

Have you wiped down the tray jacks with Windex?

Yes.

All of them?

All the ones I could find, yes.

Where are the tray jacks you can’t find?

If I knew where they were, I’d–

Find them!

Okay!

And wipe them!

Consider them wiped.

Did you prepare 36 ramekins each of sour cream?

Yes.

36 ramekins each of ketchup?

Yes.

36 ramekins each of horseradish, cocktail, and tartar sauces?

Yes, yes, and yes.

Did you stock the salad bar with lettuce, spinach, mushrooms, red peppers and antipasto meats?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and –

Did you stock the salad bar with salad bowls?

Yes!

Did you stock desserts?

Yes, well, all except the Surprise Carrot Cake–

Why do you call it a Surprise Carrot Cake?

Because it’s made with zucchini–

You’ve been warned about ‘funny’–

Sorry. I’m just a little–

Bananas?

Bananas?

We need bananas. Chef’s doing a split tonight. You should know this–

I do know this. I’ll get a banana–

Get a bunch. Dessert plates?

Stocked.

Ice cream?

Frozen.

Back-up ice cream?

Really frozen.

Did you stock the coffee station with regular and decaf coffee in filters?

Yes.

Coffee cups?

Yes.

Under-liners?

Yes.

Paper doilies NOT Bev naps?

Yes, we have no Bev naps.

Is all flatware sorted and dried and stored in their designated homes?

Flatware? Oh, silverware. Yes, all sorted. All home.

Did you fill the ice bins in all wait stations in all dining rooms, making sure to scoop the ice to the left for maximum volume?

Omigod, did you just say, “scoop the ice to the–?”

Did you fill the ice bins in the wait–

Yes! To the left…

Did you restock water glasses and butter plates?

Yes.

Did you make sure they were clean, and if they weren’t did you return them to the dish washer?

Um…yes.

What do you mean…”um?”

Most were clean. Some were not–

Did you bring them to the dishwasher?

God, I hope so.

Did you restock table cloths and folded napkins in all wait stations?

Yes.

Did you stock dupe pads, Amex slips, and other necessary paper goods?

Yes.

Staples in staplers?

Yes.

Did you vacuum the dining rooms?

That’s on the list?

Yes.

Then I vacuumed the dining rooms.

Under the tables?

Sure.

Did you dust the window shelves?

Why not?

Did you clean the bathrooms?

Let me stop you there. Cleaning bathrooms? No. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing but the utmost respect for you. When I was in need of a job, you hired me. And here we are. But…I erect an insurmountable wall when it comes to handling my customer’s excrement.

[Pause]

Did you clean the bathrooms?

Yes.

Toilet paper?

Check.

Hand soap?

Check.

Poop stains under the seat?

Gone. For now.

Are you clean and presentable?

Am I–?

–clean and presentable?

I just did three hours of side work. I am not clean and presentable.

Do you want to take care of that?

I’ll be right back.

Where are you going?

To find a quiet corner to make myself ‘clean and presentable.’

You can’t.

Why not?

I just sat you a table.